Do you allow ageist stereotypes to affect how you are living your life – in your appearance, in your daily activities, in your connections? These age platitudes have been and still are widely prevalent in our culture. They exist to such an extent many of us have adopted them without even realizing it. They have become our beliefs and beliefs often lead to ingrained habits – meaning we follow them subconsciously. We’re not thinking about them – they just become part of us.
What are they? There are many, so I will discuss just some of the main and most damaging ones. I’ll start with appearance.
Unattractive
When people age, they are viewed as unattractive- signs of aging should be hidden or, even better, fixed. Consider the cosmetic industry and the tremendous array of “anti-aging” products. Anti-aging: just the name itself is demeaning. And we can’t ignore the injections and surgical procedures widely available to us.
What are you doing to “fix” your fine lines and firm your loose skin? How much money are you spending, and I don’t mean for healthy skin care, I mean to try to reduce the appearance of aging? Do you even think about it? Or is it a given that you just do these things as you’re getting older?
I know I have given in to these perceptions, though now, with awareness, I’m focused more on my skin health and caring for it in natural ways. And honestly, since giving up the expensive creams and serums, I’m not noticing more wrinkles or looser skin.
If those of us in our 60s, 70s, and 80s were portrayed as beautiful, would we feel the need to go through cosmetic procedures or spend a great deal of money on those products? What if we were inundated with photos of mature women who were described as beautiful, gorgeous, elegant, maybe even “hot” and older men who were noted to be handsome, hunky and sexy. Wouldn’t we begin to look at ourselves differently? Could we then look in the mirror and still love ourselves? Maybe we could appreciate our appearance more than ever because of the inner self we have developed over the years; we could recognize the beautiful reflection of that self.
Weak and Frail
But it doesn’t stop there. People in our generation are often shown to be frail or feeble, and needing some kind of assistive devices – canes, walkers, wheelchairs, glasses, hearing aids. Yes, in reality, some of us do develop physical challenges of various types. However, these images are prevalent more than needed and are accompanied with subtle messages of weakness typical of “old age.” When that becomes the expectation or norm, people may just accept it and not question how they may strengthen their muscles and joints or improve their balance; rather they may automatically rely on some type of apparatus for movement.
Even if assistance is required because of some type of physical issue, frailty is not a given. Alternatives and modifications for strengthening are available, but, unfortunately these may not be pursued because of the acceptance of the ageist beliefs regarding weakness.
Style and Fashion
And let me talk about dress – style and fashion. What we wear reflects who we are and what we feel inside. It’s our form of expression; it’s our first impression. It’s says, “Hey world – look who I am!” What does your clothing say about you?
Expectations about dress for those 60+ have existed for at least decades; definitely throughout our lifetimes. They’re starting to change now but the stereotypes have already been ingrained in many of us.
One is the “matronly” look – modest tops or sweaters, calf-length skirts or dresses, and conservative shoes – a style that may feel comfortable and safe but does not allow for personal taste and maybe some fun fashion creativity.
Other ageist ideas about clothing involve “hiding” – hiding the body and the self in general. Older women are discouraged from wearing sleeveless tops or shorter skirts; they shouldn’t be showing their skin. Don’t want to see those “crepey” arms or legs! How degrading. Yet, how many of us follow this societal rule?
Additionally, clothing for older women is often “muted”. Colors are neutral or soft rather than bold and vibrant. What’s the message here? That as we age we should just try to blend in? We shouldn’t expect to or want to be seen any more? What are these messages doing to our self worth?
In retail stores that cater to older women, you often find clothing that is baggy and shapeless. Pants are stretchy and have elastic waists. Skirts and dresses are made to fit loosely. Form fitting and edgy clothing is discouraged.
It seems when people age, they should not only be “quiet”, they should also be asexual. The message is one of “shame” – shame about the body and about having any possible sexual expression, if such a thing even exists according to these stereotypes.
Grooming – Hair and Make-Up
This was an area in which I succumbed after turning 60. The expectation: older women should have short hair in a conservative style. I had long blond hair my whole life, but after moving into my 60s decade, I thought I should go shorter. Immediately after having my hair cut, I felt devastated. I lost my identity. I received many compliments, but I couldn’t accept them because I didn’t feel like myself. I went back to my long hair and still wear it proudly in my 70’s.
And it’s not only hair, it’s make-up too. Lipstick shades are expected to be subdued – no bold reds for sure. Eye make-up should be minimized or non-existent.
As in other areas, these ageist rules prevent older women from expressing their true selves. We are led to believe that we should no longer care about femininity or beauty. The message received is often “At your age it doesn’t matter anymore,” or “You’re too old to worry about your looks.” Very hurtful and demeaning perceptions! And think of the paradox – you should spend money to try to “fix” your skin, but don’t enhance the beauty you already have with the make-up and trends that younger women embrace.
Before continuing, I want to say – I’m not putting down any of the styles I described. I just don’t want them to be seen as expectations because of age, or for them to cause negative self images. I believe everyone should find the value and joy in the way they express themselves through their outer appearance.
Damaging Effects of Ageist Stereotypes and Beliefs:
Self-worth and Self-care
Ageist stereotypes regarding appearance are not superficial. Believing them can be very damaging to our self-image, our self worth, and self confidence.
What follows-possibly lack of self-care. Attitudes like “why even bother” may take hold. It’s just old age; nothing I can do about it. Actually, there’s a great deal you can do. With nutrition and exercise programs, the negative effects of aging can be greatly minimized, resulting in a healthier life. If you don’t feel self worth, you may not pursue these.
The belief that a frail and ailing body is just part of old age may prevent people from taking part in movement activities and strength training exercise programs designed for adults 60+. The mindset that you are weak will actually make you weak. Yet science has proven not only is it possible but very probable that with the right nutrition and exercise, people of any age can improve muscle strength and bone health and balance, all of the physical concerns that accompany aging
Connections with Others
Your personal and social connections may also suffer if you buy into these ageist beliefs about your appearance. Intimacy in marriages may decrease because one or both partners feel unattractive, withdrawing from physical interactions. The mental state of feeling unworthy can then actually affect the physical state of being able to perform and enjoy sexual experiences with your partner. Other aspects of the relationship such as becoming overly sensitive or overly needy of affirmations may emerge, resulting in conflict.
If someone finds herself or himself single again and experiences a low self image, entertaining the idea of meeting someone and dating may very likely be dismissed. You may feel invisible as a result of societal attitudes or you may withdraw, isolating yourself rather than taking a chance on rejection. Being hypercritical of the natural physical signs of aging may cause a man or woman to not even try. You may think, “Who would want me?” The result may be a life of loneliness rather than allowing for an opportunity to share a life with someone you love and enjoy. Everyone, no matter age, deserves this opportunity.
In general, all social interactions may be avoided or stilted or maybe even seen as negative if you perceive yourself to be unattractive or unworthy. Your self doubt may lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy, causing you to actually withdraw from or remain quiet during conversations. Then others don’t engage with you, thinking you are not interested. The opposite may happen too; you may become overly sensitive and defensive, taking a joke or an offhand remark personally and retorting with anger. These types of responses may cause others to distance themselves from you, affirming the unworthy thoughts you have about yourself.
A significant concern – with low self worth, a person may allow others to disrespect him or her. If you don’t value yourself, you may unknowingly be giving out a signal that you will tolerate mistreatment. You may not feel confident to set boundaries about what is acceptable and what isn’t. Then if someone does treat you poorly, you may believe that this behavior just confirms your own feelings of being weak and worthless.
Joy in Life
Finally, feeling hidden, unattractive and weak may detract from your overall joy in life. If you feel broken, you may think, “What is the use?” “Why should I try to get my body stronger and healthier when it is what it is? I’m just old.” Or why should I go to that class or start that hobby when I’m not going to be good at it? Or why should I go to that social function, when nobody wants to be around me? Starting with low self worth may proceed to a loop of avoidance and negative thinking which steals opportunities for happiness.
Create Your Own Story
I’d like to suggest an assignment for you?
First of all, I would like for you to find a mirror, preferably full length, and stand tall in front of it.
Now, I want you to look at yourself very closely and name 5 things you like about your outer appearance. Pretend you are talking to friend, and tell “your friend” what you find attractive about her. “I like your eyes.” You have beautiful skin tone.” You should easily identify five.
Next, tell your “friend” 5 things you appreciate about her inner beauty. “You are kind.” “You always see the best in people.” “You have a great sense of humor.” You may have trouble just picking five!
Finally, identify 3 style changes you would like to make or at least try. Changes in your hair, clothes, shoes, make-up; trends you wouldn’t typically consider but think you might enjoy. Ones that have not been part of how you dress or wear your hair or your make-up since you have “aged,” but you think reflect who you are. Start looking at photos of current fashion, probably shown on younger models or “influencers.” If you see an appealing style like a shorter red print dress or knee-high boots or a spiky hair cut, and you think “I really like that look,” follow with “I think I’ll try finding something similar for myself.” Do NOT follow with a statement like “But I’m too old for that.” Who says? That is just an arbitrary ageist belief.
Let your outer self show the world who you actually are inside; not the person society has dictated you to be. Let everyone see your value and your power; express it proudly with attitude.
Your assignment is not a one-time thing; it is a daily practice. Please don’t make phony affirmations, talk to yourself as a friend in a genuine way.
Your self-talk is mighty and highly influential. It can override any ageist stereotypes. Neville Goddard said, “The inner speech, your thoughts, can cause you to be rich or poor, loved or unloved, happy or unhappy, attractive or unattractive, powerful or weak.”
I implore you to allow your thoughts to cause you to be rich, loved, happy, attractive, and powerful! Create your own attitudes; dismiss negative ageist beliefs.
Please share how you are designing your story. How are you combatting ageist stereotypes? How are your creating new beliefs and habits for yourself about aging and appearance? How are you loving yourself?