Interesting experience. One that coincided with thoughts I have been having lately about “toxic positivity.” Stay with me, and I will explain the connection.
I went to an event, hoping to see friends I know and to possibly meet new people. I have not closed my circle with age. I like people — I am energized in social gatherings.
I welcome new people into my life because I’m one of those who believe people are often put into our lives for a reason. So you never know — I like to stay open to possibilities.
With that thought, when a woman approached me at the event, even though I was close to leaving, I stopped and took time to talk with her.
I learned she was new to the area, a widow, and she didn’t know many people.
She asked if we could connect. She lives in my downtown neighborhood, so I thought great. Possibly a new friend — someone with whom I can walk or grab a coffee or a drink, just a spur of the moment thing. It wouldn’t have to be a big plan.
My time with her made me think of the term, “toxic positivity.” It’s a phrase I have heard quite a lot lately from several different media sources, and I have heard it used in differing ways. Sometimes it just seems to be anti-positivity. I understand feeling the need to fake positivity is not healthy but a genuine positive outlook is.
I hope there is not a movement to be against that — this thought has been on my mind.
Certainly we all experience challenging times in our lives — it’s an undeniable part of the human experience. And when we have such times of difficulty, whatever they may be, it is not helpful for someone to dismiss our feelings about them. Those feelings are part of the human experience too. I believe in supporting one another in these circumstances.
On the other hand, I’m naturally a positive person. It might be annoying to others at times. But it is genuine. I know I wear rose-colored glasses, but I also realize I can take them off and see things differently when needed.
I’m not oblivious to issues. I recognize them and deal with them.
If a friend has a struggle, I’m there. I will listen and remain supportive. I’m not one to say, “Don’t worry — be happy.”
But I consciously choose to see my life positively, see the best in people, find joy in experiences …
With that understanding of my views, I will continue my story. I made the connection and met the woman for a cocktail at a lovely neighborhood spot — friendly people, beautiful atmosphere, good food, guitar player providing soft background music. What’s not to enjoy?
I found out from the woman — plenty. Not sure if she was put into my life for a reason — but in 90 minutes, she showed me how a lack of positivity can result in a very unhappy life.
The very first statement from her — the place was too cold as she sat in shorts and a sleeveless top. She had a wrap in her car but didn’t want to go get it. It would hurt to walk that far (the car was across the street — less distance than the walk to the restroom).
For the next 30 minutes, I learned of her many ailments and pain. I felt sincerely sympathetic, but also wondered why in this setting, she would focus on it and talk about it so much.
But I realize that is my perspective — for me distraction, rather than attention to, is what lessens feeling ill or in pain. Still, I didn’t want to judge because I know I am fortunate to generally be free of pain.
Soon I realized, though, that focusing on the negative
is a pattern for this woman.
She continued to find other issues with the place where we — well, actually just I —was enjoying a very tasty appetizer and a glass of wine.
For her, the chairs were too hard (the bottoms were well cushioned), the temperature became hot, the food she ordered was very good but “sticky” so she had to go wash her hands, then I learned the doors to the bathroom were too heavy, and later she told me the soft guitar music was too loud.
The next conversation was about a guy she had been dating. She provided a long list of reasons why he was not the right guy. Actually, all of the things wrong with him required about another 30 minutes of conversation.
Yet, she then said she cared about him and wanted to go home to call him so she could hear him say nice things about her. After that, she would sleep better.
This was not a fleeting statement — she repeated it a few times and asked my opinion. I declined to offer it — telling her I thought she needed to do what felt right for her. The truth, though, I felt very confused that she wanted to reach out to this man for comfort and affirmation after she told me so many negative things about him. Feelings of sadness for the woman washed over me.
I thought about how exhausting it must be to depend upon someone
else for affirmations and peace of mind.
I made a note to myself to be grateful that I hold a
more positive mindset about myself.
The conversation moved off of the wrong man to other women she had tried to meet in the area. She provided a list of their “wrongs” too — they weren’t friendly, they were in cliques, they gossiped, or they were jealous of her. I have found most women I have met to be welcoming and kind, many looking for connections with others.
I truly believe how you show up can determine what you find.
If you look for or expect the bad, you will likely find it.
But the opposite is true too.
I found a reason to leave the restaurant early — I had given it 90 minutes. I felt sympathetic toward the woman but really couldn’t take more of the negativity. I was looking for my rose-colored glasses.
I left thinking about the differences between myself and this other woman. We were sitting in the same place. Through my lens, it was a delightful setting and an opportunity to meet someone new who possibly would become a special friend in my life. She viewed the setting very differently. I don’t know how she viewed me.
But I do know it was not just the setting; this woman and I have very different perspectives about life. I looked at her as an attractive 60 something year old woman, financially secure, living in a beautiful neighborhood with all of the money she needed to enjoy the benefits of the area, finding dates which she wants to have in her life, and I could go on.
What I saw — she had many opportunities for joy in her life,
but I didn’t hear about one from her — not one.
I put on my glasses, enjoyed my walk home in my lovely neighborhood, feeling the warm breeze as I strolled down the sidewalk. Truthfully, the experience had been painful — like a bad blind date. But from it, I was shown that the positive mindset I have in my life is a wonderful gift.
False beliefs can be toxic. Phony statements and fake ideas can be toxic.
But negativity can also be toxic.
Genuine positivity toward life —
that can be a choice and that can be healthy.
I am thankful to have the mindset I have. It has served me well.
For me, life is too short to live it in my problems. I don’t deny them; I face them head on. I find a way to deal with them. And then move away.
I live with a mindset that I am capable of doing whatever I want to do in my life. I can find joy in even the smallest experiences and I do. I live with hope I will still meet the right man to share my life, but if I don’t, I have a wonderful life, so I will not wallow in despair about it. I love that I am curious and continue to learn. I am excited that I have rekindled my passion for writing. I feel I have much yet to contribute to this world, and I am open to what that may be — daily, small things or something larger not yet known. I feel excited about the possibilities.
At the age of 74, I am a happy person with a zest for life. I feel much gratitude for this.
I’m glad I recognize the ability to act in my life; not be acted upon.
I spent 90 minutes feeling the weight of the opposite mindset to life. I caught a glimpse of living only in struggle, seemingly helpless from it — not even noticing the possibility of joy. It is not for me. I choose to see the joy.
I won’t follow a trend against positivity if it were to develop. My path in life is not as long as it once was, so I prefer not to walk it attending to what’s wrong in my life.
Genuine happiness is not a bad thing, and I have seen the evidence it is available to be found.
Next I plan to explore how I have achieved this gift of a positive mindset. As I continue my growth with age, I want to maintain this attitude.